Monthly Archives: April 2011

The “Crazy Cycle”, make the first move

If you want to resolve a conflict, you need to make the first move. It requires courage and humility … you can’t wait for your spouse to meet you halfway. (Emphasis added)
The “Crazy Cycle” – FamilyLife.com

Isn’t it a Crazy Cycle indeed?  If you don’t know what the Crazy Cycle is, it is only because you haven’t heard it called by that name yet… especially if you are married or have lived in a house with parents who are married or even dating long term!  It starts with either the husband not showing his wife the love he has for her – especially if he doesn’t show it in a way that she would recognize it (ever heard of the 5 Love Languages?) and feel loved – or the wife not respecting her husband.  After this trigger, the Crazy Cycle starts with the opposite spouse reacting in the equally negative way… which continues on for as long as the couple keeps on reacting in this negative way not showing love or respect to one another.

I have to admit, even though we – my wife and I – have been through the Love & Respect book/series more than one time along with other similar studies that address the same issue, I still continue to find us giving in to this Crazy Cycle.  Just like the Apostle Paul says in Romans 7:15 – “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”  I hate when I don’t show my wife the love she really does deserve, even if I don’t think she deserves it for whatever reason at some moment in time.  I find it interesting how this part of scripture in Paul’s letter, comes immediately after addressing an “illustration from marriage”, curious for me at least!

I know when I find Michelle and I in the Crazy Cycle, that the “easiest” and “quickest” way to end that cycle is, as the quote from the Family Life website above shows, for me to make the first move.  Amazing how the up-and-coming wisdom of our culture so feeds this Crazy Cycle, and how easy it is to buy into that “wisdom” and get caught up in such a destructive and silly rhythm.  The world gives the example that a woman doesn’t need to respect a man if he doesn’t respect her first… Then it goes on to show men that women are there to meet a carnal need and we can be the emotionally checked-out guy who thinks love is only what happens in the bedroom.

This idea of making the first move isn’t just something made up, or being a “macho man” or something, but it is coming directly from the Bible.  When we look at Ephesians 5, the chapter that the Love and Respect series uses to discuss the idea of a husband loving his wife, and the wife respecting her husband, I find it important to note what exactly Paul is writing to the husbands here.  Paul writes, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25), what I know about Christ’s love for the church is this: “We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)  So what does this mean for me as a husband?  It means I need to follow Christ’s example, I need to first love my bride, I need to make the first move.

My beautiful bride and I enjoying a hockey game “date night”
during our DCC conference back in January.